The holidays are often stressful for people, buying presents, attending parties, and visiting with family. People can feel lonely if they don’t have family to spend time with, or they can feel stressed about spending time with family that they find challenging. We often can revert back into our patterns and roles from childhood when we are around our family.
I will admit that I have had many challenging times with my family. I did not show up for many years to family gatherings, because I felt like I did not fit in. I was indeed the ‘black sheep’ of the family, or rather the tie-dyed psychedelic sheep of the family. I tried to run, hide, avoid, reject, and change them. I could not find peace with my relationship to my family.
And then, one day I decided to choose forgiveness. To forgive my mother and father for any of their faults or shortcomings. To forgive them for not loving me in the way that I thought love should be displayed. I had compassion for them. I could see within them the wounded little boy and little girl that did not receive love in the way they thought it should be displayed as a child. I could see that my mother and father were doing their best, in the best way that they knew how.
Today, I feel so blessed to have nurtured a loving, healthy and mutually beneficial relationship with my family. I show up for family time and when I am there I am present- not on my phone, doing work on the computer or sitting silently in the corner. I am fully present and engaged. I look forward to family time. I feel blessed that I can give my kids the gift of a large family. They have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and a great grandmother. During Thanksgiving I was blessed to spend time with 30 people on my mother’s side and 30 people on my father’s side.
The thing that is so beautiful about my family is that what they want most is for me to just be there. That’s right. They don’t really want me to buy them things, make things for them, or fix things for them. They are not needy of me for emotional support or financial support. They truly and simply enjoy my presence. They are grateful for who I am and for the opportunity for being with my kids. Isn’t that beautiful?
So how did I get from- being disassociated from my family to where I am today? The biggest thing that has helped me in this process has been the Hoffman Institute. The Hoffman Institute is based on the philosophy that as children we all want to be loved/appreciated/valued. And as children we often feel that we are not receiving the love that we want/desire/need. There is a disconnect from what are parents are giving and what we feel we need.
When I first started the divorce process I said to myself, “Ok. I need some healing.” The first thing I did was book a week retreat at the Hoffman Institute. I had heard about this place and wanted to attend for years, but never took the time for it. My best friend’s mother who is a therapist explained it like this; “Hoffman is like 10 years of psychotherapy in one week.”
And I can tell you, that place changed my life. And the first thing I did when I got home, was told my soon to be ex-husband, “This place is amazing, you’ve got to go.” He agreed to go, and I even paid for it. It was the best money I spent the entire divorce. Who needs to argue in court over things, when you can go somewhere, do the work and get the healing that you need? I also decided while there that I would like my next partner to be a Hoffman graduate. No need to bring mommy or daddy issues into any relationship.
So if you are feeling pushed by your family this holiday season, know that you are not alone. There are many that are challenged at this time. And if you would like to bring some healing to your relationships with your family of origin I highly recommend the Hoffman Institute. If you are unable to commit financially or time wise to a weeklong retreat, you can book some sessions with me as I do incorporate a lot of its teachings into my healing work. But believe me, a week there may just change your life. You may forever love your mother and father and have a healthy relationship with them. Thank you Hoffman!
Love,
Ali