New Paradigm Co-parenting
It’s been over a year now since I moved to the land with my ex-husband, his partner, and our three kids. It’s been beautiful, challenging, painful, wonderful and everything in between.
I have learned how to speak my needs, define my boundaries and ask for support in the ways that i would like to receive it.
When it’s good- the love, reciprocity and healing that occurs is incredible. The children are thriving and the land has completely been transformed- mostly due to the love Adam has given it.
When it’s hard- old patterns from the marriage resurface, communication is lost, I show my wounds from the past, and I don’t feel validated and respected in my power.
About 6 months ago my ex husband, his partner and I sat down for a conversation. He had called the council so that he could speak to the two most important women in his life. He first addressed me- he explained his love for our children is so great that he also loves and is devoted to me.
He explained that my well being and happiness would affect his children- therefore he is committed to my well being. This whole conversation felt very uncomfortable.
My old pains came to the surface- fear of abandonment, anger from betrayal, and pain of being single. Let me make it very clear- neither one of us has any desire to be together romantically. And yet there is a pain that I have carried of wanting “the fantasy”- the desire to be one whole family unit.
It was hard to listen to my ex husband declare his devotion to me in this way- while sitting in front of his partner. He made it very clear that his top priority is his children. His fiance- comes after his kids, and maybe even after his kids’ mom because the mother of his children has such a large impact on the well being of his children.
He then spoke to his partner in front of me. He declared that she is the protectress of his heart. He acknowledged the challenging and important role that she plays in holding, protecting and loving his heart. He acknowledged his love was deep and strong for her- but that his love for his children reigned over any romantic partnership. She accepted her role.
In its essence this council was a beautiful example of how 3 people can love and support each other. In reality- It was hard for me to find my gratitude. Despite what a loving, and generous acknowledgement this was from the father of my children- I couldn’t seem to get past the hurt I still carried inside- the abandonment, the loneliness, the resentment and anger.
You see I was unable to be grateful because part of me was living in the past- I regretted selling the farm- I didn’t want to be living with my ex husband and I was resentful that he had a partner.
The thought of him moving somewhere else has been in my mind at times. But you see- that would not really solve the problem.
The problem at hand is learning how to co-parent and create right relations with all our relations.
I get to learn how to love him for who he is completely- without judgements, without anger, without spewing my pain upon him.
I get to learn how to create a healthy relationship with him and our family.
I get to learn how to be supported by him and how to create the type of relationships that are beneficial for everyone involved.
And so-
we continue to pray, to sow seeds of love, to help each other, to acknowledge our shortcomings, to share meals and to communicate with open hearts.
It is a long and winding road- the road of healing.
But i am grateful that I get to walk it.
And I am grateful for my amazing children and the family that I have to help me raise them. I may be single, and living on the same land as my ex husband- but at least my children have a wonderful father and wonderful step mother- and that is what truly matters. My heart will heal, I will one day have a partner, and my kids will one day be grown.
For now-
let us create an Eden together-
let us hold space for our healing- so that are children can thrive as they grow into adults.
Thank you to my family for the space they hold for me as
i learn my lessons.
I am grateful
To all my relations